The proverbial you-know-what

The proverbial you-know-what

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Issues...Some just won't go away

A short blog entry about the desire to belong. I have always felt like I don't fit in anywhere.
I was the square peg in the seemingly infinite sea of round holes. I wasn't popular in high school, I was painfully shy.  My own father was my worst critic,and an elitest. I'm a disappointment to him and my brother is the pride. Our relationship is strained.

I am nowhere on his walls, my brother and his family everywhere. Even my brother's ex mistress is framed up in his house.  I don't play the perfect Christian like my brother does, I am real and don't put on airs.  Guess that's why I don't belong there.

I had an engagement, a live in with a metalhead, and a marriage. All failed. I don't apologize, it is what it is, or was.
Dad always put parts of my body down in front of relatives.I have  forever have felt like I'm not good enough to belong anywhere. Now it's spilling out into other areas of my life.
 I've had some serious issues to work on and I had to write that I do.
What to do? Go back to my therapist I guess.
Till next time...

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Comfort and Torment

Torment sweet torment
Get out of my life
You're cross I can no longer bear

Torment sweet torment
Please go now
You know I cannot share

My only comfort is my only torture
Though I love you much
So I can heal from what I see
I'll never feel your touch..

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Hopelessness and worthlessness: My search for a job

Let me say first and foremost that my thoughts and prayers are with those affected by the tsunami in Japan. Lately I had have my own personal tsunami of the soul.

  I can't believe I'm still jobless after all the apps and interviews I put in. I made a job out of lookng for a job. On top of everything else,  keep an eye on my elderly mom, and it's not easy to live w/her.I get preached to daily,and she thinks I am listening to the devil. She doesn't think I'll get anything...."nice mother!" Employers put people through more than one interview these days. Even fast food places have turned me down.
The rejection got to be so much when I got a call from a boating supply store that I had a major meltdown. My poor bff still stuck w/me as  I cried and went through the gamut of emotions. She deserves an award.

I feel like I'm not gonna have a life until I'm working. Life has kinda been put on hold for a couple of years, of course except for last year when I took part in a somewhat wild lifestyle.  Even then I was stifled.
I left my husband and moved in w/my mother three years ago. I wonder if it was a mistake. I had a job and during a nervous breakdown after leaving him quit that job because they reduced my pay. Never mind that I won a contest for the most charity donations that I got from customers.

So here I am three years later. I had some temp work in November, but the assignment abruptly ended. I signed up with a new agency that has told me I'll possibly have work next week. So I have  hope, the proverbial "grain of mustard seed" type hope, but hope nevertheless. Thoughts ran through my mind of compromising myself for money. I would truly hate myself I believe.

Putting in a few apps today at a resturant and a pub. Yes a pub. I must do what I can to earn a living. Till next time..

Friday, March 4, 2011

I Grew Up a Screw Up :Childhood,TV Crushes, and other random behaviors

Where do I start? I was a weird kid with  big imagination. I climbed trees, stayed busy keeping my mother on her toes, and was always up to some kind of project.
Once I was exploring in the subdivision next to ours. I actually cut through a field of hay and ended up at a roadside store where 2 concerned elderly men saw me picking picking flowers alongside the highway. Turned out I had told them that I fell off my horse and lost him. My mom and dad punished me of course.
Mom also was convinced by her friend Gail to enter me in a local beauty padgeant.When I got on stage I had to courtsy.Instead I turned my little ruffled panties toward the audience and gave them a show they weren't expecting.
 Also as every child has experienced, TV makes an impression .Funny thing is that when I was a little girl, I was afraid of the symbols of comedy and tragedy, very hilarious fact  because of the drama queen I later became.
My first major TV crush was Bobby Sherman, then David Cassidy. I know you readers wanna gag but it wasn't as nutty as falling for Adam West and Burt Ward, TV's original Batman and Robin. What even didn't make more sense was my fantasies about Batman and Robin whisking me away to the batcave and having their way with me. I was only 9 years old.
Then there was Steve Austin the Six Million Dollar Man. Good lord I had it bad for Lee Majors.Then there was William Shatner, Harrison Ford, and Mark Hamill. Memories of TV and movie crushes just flooded my mind. Crushes on girls came later.