The proverbial you-know-what

The proverbial you-know-what

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Mom This One's For You

My mother is a very selfless person. Compared to her I'm selfish. Lately I have given a lot of thought to the fact that she is not gonna be around forever. And I'm frightened of that day. I have said many things to her I have regretted, bless her heart, but when it comes down to it I'm on her side.I have had to let go of guilt I have taken back many times.
 From when I was a little girl to the present she still believes I'm gonna make it. She has never given up hope in my abilities and talents, and despite her preaching the gospel it seems on a 24/7 basis, she's a wonderful mother. She accompanied me to the Emergency room this morning when I was in excruciating pain, plus she sat in the exam room with me as I had leads attached to my body for an EKG, when blood was drawn and an IV was started, and the X-Ray techician coming for me.. She calmly, peacefully read her book.
 Even her singing works my last nerve but a thought crept into my head this morning as she did. One day I would miss her singing. So I felt it only fitting that I should write about my long suffering, faithful caring mother. Yes she's annoying, wacky and sometimes a dingbat, but she's the only mother I'll ever have.
MOM, I LOVE YOU...REALLY I DO. *hugs to you*
Till next time...

Monday, January 24, 2011

"Sweet" November

I'm somewhat nervous writing about this. But I am what I am. Bisexual. There I said it. I almost for a time thought I was gay but being a Twilight fan still being crazy about handsome vampires after this experience made me realize that wasn't the case. *laughs*
Sharon (not her real name), was someone I found on a dating site. She wanted to meet me for coffee or to get dinner out. I finally agreed to a local cafe famous for their wings. She was very pretty in her picture, and I thought I wasn't gonna pass muster myself when she saw me.
 I walked into the cafe and immediately recognized her. She was beautiful to me. Had cat eyes, very mesmerizing cat eyes. We hit it off, I was self conscious because I just had to have a smoke. She was a trooper and stood outside while I puffed on one. After dinner she told me she wanted to see me again. Told me I reminded her of the lead singer of a band called "Jack off Jill".
In the days that ensued she and I texted and talked on the phone. She told me I need to work asap, as she wanted me to be her wife one day.
WHOA. Her wife? Hmmmm, that was pretty quick. She was independent and had plenty of money, me.... I was and still am rebuilding my life after a bad divorce.
But I had fallen so fast. Sharon was very different, like none other I had seen. She had a 4x4 Jeep Cherokee  and a sports car in storage. Plus 5 guns.  She let me hold one, and showed me how to fire it. It was loaded! I was so nervous even touching a gun. She knew how to take a gun apart and is a registered gunsmith, I saw her permit. She liked camping in the woods and I never hardly camped. I began to realize it wouldn't work but I was mesmerized. I wanted to get her into the bed. But how, with my living with my mother and herself, having to bide by her roommates wishes not to have dates?
 Then the day came. She paid for a room and I had paid for dinner that November night. We got situated in the room. She was beautiful is all I'm going to say. Feeling her body pressed up against mine was sweetly sensual. She had one large tattoo covering her entire back. She told me of the days as a goth model, and I still have the pictures. Can't quite delete them yet. Her lips were sweet against mine when we kissed. I never wanted to stop.  Such sweetness and we slept in each other's arms. Spooning in ecstasy....and no sex, we just held each other tight all night.
The next day we spent half of together. Walking through the mall, she locked arms with mine. I had never showed that other half in public, it was a strange experience, but I enjoyed it too. She told me about the whole storage unit having a bunch of dehydated food in case of famine. She had guns stored like the Terminator. Suddenly I realized that something was weird here. She was strong, she put her endurance to the test like a man, and until I saw for sure she wasn't, thought she was a man in drag, albeit a beautiful one.She demanded a lot of people, she believed that a war was coming to America and she was gonna have to move to the very rural areas to survive. It just wasn't in the cards for us to last. Another date or two, and I was perfect for her in one way, and not so perfect in another. I drank over losing her, but I realized I never would have been happy. I didn't know who I was, how could I be?
Sharon left me with an oddly sweet haunting memory, she was the most bizarre and unusual person I had ever met, but she was very strange. Perhaps the escape into her world was something I needed at the time. She told me she didn't like what I had done on my now defunct alternate Twitter account and that I should respect myself. So I got some good advice as well.
One thing I know, I look back at the string of bad relationships I had with men since my late teens, including my now defunct marriage, and I know that it's myself that I must grow to love and respect instead of another at this time. But an oddly sweet memory at times comes back to haunt me.
 The song above makes me think of her...she was a different sort.
Till next time....

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Up Up and Away: My First Flight

Looking back like it was yesterday, I thought of my childhood. I was 4 1/2 years old , daddy's little girl, and crazy about jet airplanes. I used to stand on the roof of the Knoxville Airport and watch commercial airliners take off. I fell in love with the sleek metal birds.
"When am I getting to ride in a jet daddy?" I ask him. "Soon Suzanne, we're going to fly to Connecticut. Me: "Oh boy!"
My first flight. I'll never forget it We walk up the metal steps connected to the plane. It's United Airlines, my favorite airline. Why? I have no clue. Pretty stewardesses greet us at the door. I wanted to be a pilot, but dad said only men were pilots. Mom had my baby brother in tow.
Now I know the servers aboard planes are called flight attendants. But this was 1969 and this is how it was back then.
"What a cute little southern belle you have there!" One said. I was wearing my ruffled dress and ruffled panties. They had wings on their orange polyester dresses, and one gave me a pair.
I got to sit next to the window next to my dad. He pinned my wings on my dress and I was so excited I couldn't contain myself.
At home pictures I drew of jet airplanes and stewardesses were on the back of the kitchen wall. Mom had pinned them up.
Anyhow, I will never forget how excited I was when the plane took off. I enjoyed riding that giant bird. Elevator music sounded in the background, and I enjoyed looking at the ground below, the majestic clouds as we flew right through them, and I began to visualize myself as one of those pretty stewardesses doing my glaourous and sophisticated job..I was a kid what did I know? I thought saying the word "suspicious" was glamourous and sophisticated. Ok so I was a glamourous, sophisticated stewardess in this fantasy telling every one of my passengers how suspicious I was. *laughs*
When we got off the plane I was worried bout the souvenir I had left the airline. I had peed in my seat, afraid to go the the bathroom for fear I would fall out of the plane.
And now flash forward some fourty years later. Im a suspicious adult who is also cynical and wondering when I'm flying away from my podunk purgatory.
Till next time...

Monday, January 17, 2011

My town..Struggleville.. a poem


I feel alone in this faraway place
Feeling detached from the human race

Can't find a job to save my life
Beaten Down from stress and strife

Alone so alone in this wayout town
Tired of the drama of feeling down

Sleep is fleeting and and what's this curse
A refugee of an alternative universe

 Hopefully I'll go back to school
Knowledge is priceless and a valuable tool

Come to the crossroads
Where I've been led

I'll carve myself a life
Where the pen hath bled

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Identity Crisis

 A short post here about my current struggle. I'm trying to figure out who I am all over again, and John Barleycorn himself distorted everything. Not looking for the man of my dreams, or anyone else. I'm getting to know Suz all over again. The Suz who is hoping for a future as an author. A life, and true friends. Last year was a detour to a dark place I never want to visit again. However I made a few good friends and fell in love. I fall too easily, Now if I can only fall for myself, not in a vain way, but an act of acceptance and self caring.

 This song has always brought tears to my eyes... "Magnificent" by U2
Till next time....

Friday, January 14, 2011

Lament of Loss

This is about my now defunct marriage

We said our vows on a windy September day
Then the pain set in and he pushed me away
He said "Life's too short to have a sick wife"
He said "Get out and get a life"
So I left and brought along my heavy heart
I felt so Ill and utterly torn apart
I decided to set my heart on the shelf
Others said"Woman take care of yourself"
Now I'm in a small town trying to carve out a life
Far from the husband who escalated the strife
Abuse isn't love it's control and it's sorrow
I'm hoping for a better tommorrow
I'm taking my heart back off the shelf
I'll use it to love someone new- Myself

More Nuggets From the Family Tree: My Grandmother

I have to look back sometimes, I think everyone should research their family tree, you never know what you will find.
One of my ancestors was the first surgeon  to operate with Ether. Crawford W. Long. A hospital is named after him in downtown Atlanta. Bragging? Maybe. But one of his ancestors also was my grandmother.
 Grandmother was never grandma. She hated that label, can't say I blame her. She preferred to be called Janie. And she's my father's mother.
  Janie had a glamourous life for a while. She was a buyer for Rich's, and a personal buyer to the rich and successful.  As hard to believe as it may be, she was Margaret Mitchell's personal buyer for a period of time, which is why my grandparents where able to attend the premiere of "Gone with the Wind" at the Loew's Grand downtown which is now defunct, it burned down.
 Somewhere along the way she must have met my grandfather. Maybe a client? I can't say because I don't know. Janie drank excessively, I know from talking to my mother. Janie opened up to her in later years. Grandaddy made plenty of money working for Gulf oil, but he was a miser and didn't live an extravagant lifestyle. Not for the most part. Janie had mood swings and she drank excessively, landing  in the sanitarium a couple of times. They hired sitters to care for my father and my uncle when they were children when they went out drinking. One thing I remember is her saying repeatedly "Shut up Claude". I'm sure he probably drove her batshit crazy sometimes.
When I was little I recall snippets of my childhood " Suzanne you should be ashamed of yourself putting all this gum in the ashtray",and " You wet the bed again?? Laundry wash, wash, wash!" . But I don't hate my grandmother, I actually understand her.  Her nails were always perfectly manicured. Her eyes would light up when she spoke of her youth. She missed her glamour days. Having an adulturous husband was not easy I'm sure. The family men were adulterers, the women? There is mystery I may never uncover. Every family has their skeletons. Many far more interesting I'm sure. My genepool has been very enlightening. I don't blame my problems on them, but I have developed an understanding due to some research.
 I miss Janie. She died when I was 15 of lung cancer.  Most every time I light up a cigarette, I think of her smoking up to the moment she passed away, when hospitals in certain areas still alowed smoking. And I'm wracked with guilt for taking her beloved novels that she gave me to the used bookstore for credit when I was 20. So I raise my glass of sparkling non alcoholic apple cider to her. "I miss you Janie, wish I'd known you better."
Till next time...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Ex "Daddy's Little Girl"

Another post about my father. I could never have foreseen then as a little girl what I know now.
 I was crazy about my dad when I was little, so much that I wanted my mom to stay away from him, lol. While my mom was taking care of my infant brother, dad used to show me off to his co-workers at the weather service which was then located at the top of the Knoxville Tennessee airport. He would take me to the roof to watch the planes take off. I fell in love with what  thought was a glamourous profession, being a flight attendant. I was not even 5 years old mind you. I used to to say the word "suspicious" because I thought it was a glamourous word. My parents had no idea.*laughs*.
  Dad also used to sit me on his knee when I was a child in front of the mirror. Something I find rather weird now. He would say "You and I look alike Suzanne, look at our faces in the mirror" I didn't see it, but I was a five year old child. Dad was the oldest child with a little brother like myself. His brother worked for Gulf oil like my grandaddy.
  Mom told me how when I was grown that Dad used to burn with anger and resentment towards my uncle. She said "I told your father he was gonna do the same thing his father did if he didn't forgive him." She was right. She had become a "Born again fundamentalist Christian" but she was right. And she said these things because of the resentment and anger that I keep taking back. I believe even the most picture perfect of families have some dysfunction, but after my parents divorced it got even crazier. Dad had been drinking during the separation, sending mom to the art room to sleep in while she let dad keep the master bedroom. Mom was a passive woman with a manic Jesus addiction. She had seen demons around my father when he was cheating on her. And she was the oldest daughter of her Lebanese muslim father, subserviant to men. How she lived showed me how not to live, but that's another story.*laughs* The scary thing is that I'm NOT making this up. Till next time folks...

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Time for changes

  I feel like I'm at life's turnstyle right now. I'm on my 5th day sober. It's life or death now. If I drink anymore there is one thing I can be certain of: Jails, institutions and death. The twelve step program I belong to doesn't sugarcoat addiction.
  I have been here in Winder for almost three years now.  I suffer from a painful condition called Fibromyalgia. I began to self medicate for the pain somewhere along the line with alcohol. I discovered parts of myself I couldn't face sober. Somewhere along the line I realized what I really didn't want as well as what I did.
  It's not all terrible though. I made some very good friends, friends who became afraid I was gonna die or lose my marbles. I don't want to be one of those statistics. For once I now have hope in my life.
  I saw something that caught my eye yesterday, a woman, older than me, a bitter looking older woman with a huge bottle of "Night Train" wine and a 12-pack of beer in line behind me at the corner store. Alcohol, bitterness, and a slovenly appearance. That could be me were I to survive the next year still in embibment.
  It's time for personal growth. That higher power the program tells about I believe the whole time was saying "put the alcohol down" or you will go no further. It took almost dying from alcohol poisoning to teach me the difficult way.
  One other things certain : If I can't take care of myself how can I take care of others? I turned to alcohol from March of 2009 to now. On and off, not every single day. But it ended up that way. I am fearing organ damage and rapid aging. Healthy fears. Time for growth, time to stand up straight and heal my broken wing.
  Till the next time.....