The proverbial you-know-what

The proverbial you-know-what

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The journey isn't over yet

More blog posts coming......, And I'm finding myself lonely and wanting a boyfriend.

But...recovery comes first. Thankfulness for family and friends means a lot. Being here has taught me much.

Till next time.....

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Recovery from the dark side

My life is changing... Hoping it continues to improve. I have worried friends. Family won't admit it, but I care about myself...If I don't who will? I'm getting to be a happy woman again. My life has been turned upside down since I found out I was gonna move in with my brother and my sister-n-law, plus 6+1 kid from his affair with mistress. Plus my mom. Trust me...it's NOT easy! Now I have had to face the fact that I'm bipolar, well that I have bipolar2 disorder. Im on a miracle medication that corrects the chemical imbalance. I lost my bff, and luckily she knows how important it is to take my meds. So not lost. But concerned. Can't blame her. Life is changing because my outlook is better. So this is where I'm at at the moment.
Till next time....

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Cloudburst

The clouds I can see they clear
 The Sun it magicly reappears
My serenity it ever returns
But my closest friend is gone
And it burns

I can see that life has something to offer
Sometimes I wonder..Should I bother?
But love surrounds me it's always around
However by best friend I am forever bound

And now I'm back and I see the wound
It's healing and hopefully away from this
self imposed tomb

I'm ready to face whatever comes
And  I hope this void is gone and done

Monday, May 2, 2011

Acceptance ...My diagnosis

A bomb was dropped on me last week.  found out that I have Bipolar 2 disorder, the lesser form of the disease, Instead of freaking out a strange peace crept over me. Everything made sense. The extreme moods, the "dark side" that would come over me....since late childhood, thru my teens, and into adulthood.
  And a painful reality of the me that grew to self hate, not understanding..why I self medicated to control these moods.....
  And how my friendship w/one of my besties was narly totally destroyed by my dark moods.
 As I write this, I'm in tears. Someone who was there for me through every twist and every turn in just about  the past few months up to about a week ago...is now afraid of me. Or my moods. One or the other. Or maybe both.
I grew progressively worse after I knew where I was moving. I know I am responsible for my actions. I thank God the shrink doc knew what was wrong. I not only needed a light mood stabilizer that also controls my fibro pain, but a medication for the Bipolar depression. And they gave it to me. I felt a small wave of relief. I'm grateful I'm not a Scientologist.
  So now I have been on the new medication for 5 days and I'm already feeling different. It takes a week or so to really begin to sink in. But there's a sadness. I miss my bestie. I can't blame her for feeling the way she does. I began to totally turn into a different person than the Suze I am usually. Thank God celebs like Catherine Zeta-Jones have put a face on the disease and are attempting to play a part in educating the masses about this "more common thhn you would think" disorder. After Catherine's husband Michael Douglas was diagnosed with cancer, the stress from the ordeal escalated her condition. The shame needs to be wiped away. Below is a link from the Wikipedia on the condition. I'm also going to therapy and continue to go to my 12 step group. I hope I have been able in a small way to help someone or more than one by disclosing this. I'm no celebrity, but as one person I count.
http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-2-disorder
TILL NEXT TIME.....

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Issues and illnesses

 

I have had the flu, now a kidney infection, and now it's a tossup to see if I avoid strep too. Why is this shit happening to me? Because of heavy family and personal stress. And worries about job and SSI. The unfriendly letters I get from the DOL don't help either.Telling me not to bother w/filing SSI if I'm to work. Been looking AND working these one day here, one day there temp jobs. And a bro who takes his job as a stud-cop too seriously.
I still think that somehow, some way I'll make it. This blog is my novel "Chasing frieght trains" Some of it very graphic in places.
I have done some crazy damn things in my life. Some...well I still can't resist. Interesting huh? Stay tuned...as I am feeling like total shit right now. Job inquiries must go on..when I'm a bit better. Gotta call to see if there's work tomorrow at the keebler factory. A  sweatshop, but it's money.
My bestie who has not contacted me lately has left me wondering if I will ever hear from her again. Hmm.
Could life get any weirder? Probably.
I still have some hope that life will improve.
Till next time...
 Bruno Mars is a HOTTIE I think this song applies to friendship as well as romance.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Who am I? I really would like to know...

A new chapter of my life has opened before me, and what's seemingly difficult to me now might be child's play to another. Living in my brother's house...It's showtime folks. I must have more work soon. No alternative... I WILL find work. THIS WEEK... I must! For my own sake.
 Till next time......

Friday, April 15, 2011

Tornado Season...Tuck and Roll

This has been the most stressful month of my life. The past 4 wks have been difficult. I got a temp job and lost it because I went home w/an earache one day.The same week I was packing to move. Guess I should have communicated that to my boss. I have been moodier than the usual. A couple of my friends probably wondered if was wacked. I moved in with my whole family, well almost whole family of origin. Minus my father, who's anal narcisstic attitude is now present in my brother.I get more work, and they have sent me home 2 days in a row. I removed my salon nails and got sore fingers for the job. Well they still are placing me so I guess I'll have to be patient. My stomach is in knots, I blew my sobriety several times and I fear a couple of my friends don't wanna know me anymore.
 I am not even supposed to be here. I'm the family member that was snuck in, according to my brother. That in itself, being told to me made me feel like a 2nd class human. But my mother stuck up for me a couple of times, which was a surprise. She's constantly nervous as well. More deets are not necessary, you, the reader get the picture I believe. Still, I guess more work will arrive, because I have been feverishly seeking employment. Turbulent like spring tornados have been my life lately, and I just had to vent.
Till next time...

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Issues...Some just won't go away

A short blog entry about the desire to belong. I have always felt like I don't fit in anywhere.
I was the square peg in the seemingly infinite sea of round holes. I wasn't popular in high school, I was painfully shy.  My own father was my worst critic,and an elitest. I'm a disappointment to him and my brother is the pride. Our relationship is strained.

I am nowhere on his walls, my brother and his family everywhere. Even my brother's ex mistress is framed up in his house.  I don't play the perfect Christian like my brother does, I am real and don't put on airs.  Guess that's why I don't belong there.

I had an engagement, a live in with a metalhead, and a marriage. All failed. I don't apologize, it is what it is, or was.
Dad always put parts of my body down in front of relatives.I have  forever have felt like I'm not good enough to belong anywhere. Now it's spilling out into other areas of my life.
 I've had some serious issues to work on and I had to write that I do.
What to do? Go back to my therapist I guess.
Till next time...

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Comfort and Torment

Torment sweet torment
Get out of my life
You're cross I can no longer bear

Torment sweet torment
Please go now
You know I cannot share

My only comfort is my only torture
Though I love you much
So I can heal from what I see
I'll never feel your touch..

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Hopelessness and worthlessness: My search for a job

Let me say first and foremost that my thoughts and prayers are with those affected by the tsunami in Japan. Lately I had have my own personal tsunami of the soul.

  I can't believe I'm still jobless after all the apps and interviews I put in. I made a job out of lookng for a job. On top of everything else,  keep an eye on my elderly mom, and it's not easy to live w/her.I get preached to daily,and she thinks I am listening to the devil. She doesn't think I'll get anything...."nice mother!" Employers put people through more than one interview these days. Even fast food places have turned me down.
The rejection got to be so much when I got a call from a boating supply store that I had a major meltdown. My poor bff still stuck w/me as  I cried and went through the gamut of emotions. She deserves an award.

I feel like I'm not gonna have a life until I'm working. Life has kinda been put on hold for a couple of years, of course except for last year when I took part in a somewhat wild lifestyle.  Even then I was stifled.
I left my husband and moved in w/my mother three years ago. I wonder if it was a mistake. I had a job and during a nervous breakdown after leaving him quit that job because they reduced my pay. Never mind that I won a contest for the most charity donations that I got from customers.

So here I am three years later. I had some temp work in November, but the assignment abruptly ended. I signed up with a new agency that has told me I'll possibly have work next week. So I have  hope, the proverbial "grain of mustard seed" type hope, but hope nevertheless. Thoughts ran through my mind of compromising myself for money. I would truly hate myself I believe.

Putting in a few apps today at a resturant and a pub. Yes a pub. I must do what I can to earn a living. Till next time..

Friday, March 4, 2011

I Grew Up a Screw Up :Childhood,TV Crushes, and other random behaviors

Where do I start? I was a weird kid with  big imagination. I climbed trees, stayed busy keeping my mother on her toes, and was always up to some kind of project.
Once I was exploring in the subdivision next to ours. I actually cut through a field of hay and ended up at a roadside store where 2 concerned elderly men saw me picking picking flowers alongside the highway. Turned out I had told them that I fell off my horse and lost him. My mom and dad punished me of course.
Mom also was convinced by her friend Gail to enter me in a local beauty padgeant.When I got on stage I had to courtsy.Instead I turned my little ruffled panties toward the audience and gave them a show they weren't expecting.
 Also as every child has experienced, TV makes an impression .Funny thing is that when I was a little girl, I was afraid of the symbols of comedy and tragedy, very hilarious fact  because of the drama queen I later became.
My first major TV crush was Bobby Sherman, then David Cassidy. I know you readers wanna gag but it wasn't as nutty as falling for Adam West and Burt Ward, TV's original Batman and Robin. What even didn't make more sense was my fantasies about Batman and Robin whisking me away to the batcave and having their way with me. I was only 9 years old.
Then there was Steve Austin the Six Million Dollar Man. Good lord I had it bad for Lee Majors.Then there was William Shatner, Harrison Ford, and Mark Hamill. Memories of TV and movie crushes just flooded my mind. Crushes on girls came later.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Old relationships part 1

http://www.abusedwomen.org/resources.html
Some of the relationships that I have been in are what shaped my life up to now. But this one was the very worst. I met Mark at Sam'sWarehouse club when I was working there as a cashier.veryone called him "Psycho Mark" And this is the rock and roll appearance I was attracted to. He was sexy to me because of his Axl Rose type appearance. Except he had a mullet. I hate mullets, but then in 1992 Georgians still thought that was attractive.
  One think I gotta say about this relationship was it lasted too long because I let it last. I left Sam's and started workng for Rich's/Macy's. Mark was a very nice guy in the beginning. We went to see Metallica and began living together. Then he began to change along the way. He started becoming abusive, and when you don't have much self esteem to began with from the get go, listening to verbal abuse, when heard enough, starts being believed. He used to throw me up against the wall, telling me I'm worthless, and sometimes he would choke me for a second or too. This is not intended as entertainment it's about abuse. I want to help empower women. If I can in a small way I will. It almost sounds like a scene in Revenge Of The Sith, except I'm alive to tell about it. Sometimes he would shove me into the wall, leaving me bruised.  No punchng, but some slapping and he slapped hard. I posted this video because he sang this. Maybe it will do some good  to those still trapped.




Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Phallic Frontal Assault of Oscar Meyer on Twitter

http://blog.skimkim.com/?p=563

One thing I learned when I was lost and making mistakes on a now defunct Twitter account, was finding out what kind of responses I was gonna get from the dregs of male society. It wasn't rocket science, posting pictures of yourself less clothed invites males and self proclaimed "Doms" to send DM pictures of their "manhood". I saw way too much.  I was not impressed. Where are the good ones? With their wives and they don't have the time. Sensitive poetic men with souls? Not on twitter, and if they are, they are busy with better things. Primitive neanderthals?Yep that's what I got, idiots who thought they were worthy. I began to see nothing but a sea full of cocked weiners shaped liked guns, with 2 sacks of ammunition hanging below. Bloody insanity.  Almost getting raped and Iwas injured. I went to the hospital after 1 "date" . Men, you want to impress a woman? Be a real man, not some lame picture of your stiff family jewels, I'm not impressed. And if you start bothering me, the block button is a click away.
 Telling me you are gonna do to me? Fuck that. I've learned by my mistakes and taking control of my life. And I'm staying sober. Learning to empower myself with the help of my program and the 12 steps. My beloved friends too are very dear to me. And if I get flirty it's not an invitation to get vile and disgusting. I have friends, male and female, that respect me. I'm looking ahead now, not backward. The sea of life is getting easier to navigate and I'm the captain of a once sinkworthy ship.
  A man has to be soulful and kind to me, that's what I consider sexy. And I'm not against looking for those qualities in a woman either. As Popeye says "I am'z what I am'z" and I know what I want now.
Till next time.....http://blog.skimkim.com/?p=563

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Approach With Extreme Caution

The past several weeks have been physically difficult. This blog entry isn't being written to whine and complain, but to reaffirm that I have got to be careful with the medicine I'm taking for the back pain I've been having.
 I have an addictive personality and I could use many examples: Twitter, cigarettes ,good food, shopping when financially able, Twilight (not a bad one)...and alcohol, which I have been abstinent from for over a month now. Had my second visit to the ER yesterday because the pain got worse.And I don't exggerate, it's been intensely painful.  Living with an elderly mother who can't lift much lead to my  lifting some heavy garbage bags full of trash.  The pain got worse to where I was beginning to think the doctor at my last visit was missing something.
 Anyhow I was prescribed narcotic pain mediation and a muscle relaxer. My first dose of both took the edge off the pain and helped me relax. A larger dose would have made me high as a kite. I'm just saying that it is possible to change if you put forth that effort one day at a time. My sponsor told me to journal each dose and track it. Which I have successfully endeavored so far.
Till next time....

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Mom This One's For You

My mother is a very selfless person. Compared to her I'm selfish. Lately I have given a lot of thought to the fact that she is not gonna be around forever. And I'm frightened of that day. I have said many things to her I have regretted, bless her heart, but when it comes down to it I'm on her side.I have had to let go of guilt I have taken back many times.
 From when I was a little girl to the present she still believes I'm gonna make it. She has never given up hope in my abilities and talents, and despite her preaching the gospel it seems on a 24/7 basis, she's a wonderful mother. She accompanied me to the Emergency room this morning when I was in excruciating pain, plus she sat in the exam room with me as I had leads attached to my body for an EKG, when blood was drawn and an IV was started, and the X-Ray techician coming for me.. She calmly, peacefully read her book.
 Even her singing works my last nerve but a thought crept into my head this morning as she did. One day I would miss her singing. So I felt it only fitting that I should write about my long suffering, faithful caring mother. Yes she's annoying, wacky and sometimes a dingbat, but she's the only mother I'll ever have.
MOM, I LOVE YOU...REALLY I DO. *hugs to you*
Till next time...

Monday, January 24, 2011

"Sweet" November

Vast.."Touched"
I'm somewhat nervous writing about this. But I am what I am. Bisexual. There I said it. I almost for a time thought I was gay but being a Twilight fan still being crazy about handsome vampires after this experience made me realize that wasn't the case. *laughs*
Sharon (not her real name), was someone I found on a dating site. She wanted to meet me for coffee or to get dinner out. I finally agreed to a local cafe famous for their wings. She was very pretty in her picture, and I thought I wasn't gonna pass muster myself when she saw me.
 I walked into the cafe and immediately recognized her. She was beautiful to me. Had cat eyes, very mesmerizing cat eyes. We hit it off, I was self conscious because I just had to have a smoke. She was a trooper and stood outside while I puffed on one. After dinner she told me she wanted to see me again. Told me I reminded her of the lead singer of a band called "Jack off Jill".
In the days that ensued she and I texted and talked on the phone. She told me I need to work asap, as she wanted me to be her wife one day.
WHOA. Her wife? Hmmmm, that was pretty quick. She was independent and had plenty of money, me.... I was and still am rebuilding my life after a bad divorce.
But I had fallen so fast. Sharon was very different, like none other I had seen. She had a 4x4 Jeep Cherokee  and a sports car in storage. Plus 5 guns.  She let me hold one, and showed me how to fire it. It was loaded! I was so nervous even touching a gun. She knew how to take a gun apart and is a registered gunsmith, I saw her permit. She liked camping in the woods and I never hardly camped. I began to realize it wouldn't work but I was mesmerized. I wanted to get her into the bed. But how, with my living with my mother and herself, having to bide by her roommates wishes not to have dates?
 Then the day came. She paid for a room and I had paid for dinner that November night. We got situated in the room. She was beautiful is all I'm going to say. Feeling her body pressed up against mine was sweetly sensual. She had one large tattoo covering her entire back. She told me of the days as a goth model, and I still have the pictures. Can't quite delete them yet. Her lips were sweet against mine when we kissed. I never wanted to stop.  Such sweetness and we slept in each other's arms. Spooning in ecstasy....and no sex, we just held each other tight all night.
The next day we spent half of together. Walking through the mall, she locked arms with mine. I had never showed that other half in public, it was a strange experience, but I enjoyed it too. She told me about the whole storage unit having a bunch of dehydated food in case of famine. She had guns stored like the Terminator. Suddenly I realized that something was weird here. She was strong, she put her endurance to the test like a man, and until I saw for sure she wasn't, thought she was a man in drag, albeit a beautiful one.She demanded a lot of people, she believed that a war was coming to America and she was gonna have to move to the very rural areas to survive. It just wasn't in the cards for us to last. Another date or two, and I was perfect for her in one way, and not so perfect in another. I drank over losing her, but I realized I never would have been happy. I didn't know who I was, how could I be?
Sharon left me with an oddly sweet haunting memory, she was the most bizarre and unusual person I had ever met, but she was very strange. Perhaps the escape into her world was something I needed at the time. She told me she didn't like what I had done on my now defunct alternate Twitter account and that I should respect myself. So I got some good advice as well.
One thing I know, I look back at the string of bad relationships I had with men since my late teens, including my now defunct marriage, and I know that it's myself that I must grow to love and respect instead of another at this time. But an oddly sweet memory at times comes back to haunt me.
 The song above makes me think of her...she was a different sort.
Till next time....
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbwuAzRTOv0&feature=related

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Up Up and Away: My First Flight


Looking back like it was yesterday, I thought of my childhood. I was 4 1/2 years old , daddy's little girl, and crazy about jet airplanes. I used to stand on the roof of the Knoxville Airport and watch commercial airliners take off. I fell in love with the sleek metal birds.
"When am I getting to ride in a jet daddy?" I ask him. "Soon Suzanne, we're going to fly to Connecticut. Me: "Oh boy!"
My first flight. I'll never forget it We walk up the metal steps connected to the plane. It's United Airlines, my favorite airline. Why? I have no clue. Pretty stewardesses greet us at the door. I wanted to be a pilot, but dad said only men were pilots. Mom had my baby brother in tow.
Now I know the servers aboard planes are called flight attendants. But this was 1969 and this is how it was back then.
"What a cute little southern belle you have there!" One said. I was wearing my ruffled dress and ruffled panties. They had wings on their orange polyester dresses, and one gave me a pair.
I got to sit next to the window next to my dad. He pinned my wings on my dress and I was so excited I couldn't contain myself.
At home pictures I drew of jet airplanes and stewardesses were on the back of the kitchen wall. Mom had pinned them up.
Anyhow, I will never forget how excited I was when the plane took off. I enjoyed riding that giant bird. Elevator music sounded in the background, and I enjoyed looking at the ground below, the majestic clouds as we flew right through them, and I began to visualize myself as one of those pretty stewardesses doing my glaourous and sophisticated job..I was a kid what did I know? I thought saying the word "suspicious" was glamourous and sophisticated. Ok so I was a glamourous, sophisticated stewardess in this fantasy telling every one of my passengers how suspicious I was. *laughs*
When we got off the plane I was worried bout the souvenir I had left the airline. I had peed in my seat, afraid to go the the bathroom for fear I would fall out of the plane.
And now flash forward some fourty years later. Im a suspicious adult who is also cynical and wondering when I'm flying away from my podunk purgatory.
Till next time...

Monday, January 17, 2011

My town..Struggleville.. a poem


Struggleville

I feel alone in this faraway place
Feeling detached from the human race

Can't find a job to save my life
Beaten Down from stress and strife

Alone so alone in this wayout town
Tired of the drama of feeling down

Sleep is fleeting and and what's this curse
A refugee of an alternative universe

 Hopefully I'll go back to school
Knowledge is priceless and a valuable tool

Come to the crossroads
Where I've been led

I'll carve myself a life
Where the pen hath bled

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Identity Crisis

 A short post here about my current struggle. I'm trying to figure out who I am all over again, and John Barleycorn himself distorted everything. Not looking for the man of my dreams, or anyone else. I'm getting to know Suz all over again. The Suz who is hoping for a future as an author. A life, and true friends. Last year was a detour to a dark place I never want to visit again. However I made a few good friends and fell in love. I fall too easily, Now if I can only fall for myself, not in a vain way, but an act of acceptance and self caring.

 This song has always brought tears to my eyes... "Magnificent" by U2
Till next time....

Friday, January 14, 2011

Lament of Loss

This is about my now defunct marriage

We said our vows on a windy September day
Then the pain set in and he pushed me away
He said "Life's too short to have a sick wife"
He said "Get out and get a life"
So I left and brought along my heavy heart
I felt so Ill and utterly torn apart
I decided to set my heart on the shelf
Others said"Woman take care of yourself"
Now I'm in a small town trying to carve out a life
Far from the husband who escalated the strife
Abuse isn't love it's control and it's sorrow
I'm hoping for a better tommorrow
I'm taking my heart back off the shelf
I'll use it to love someone new- Myself

More Nuggets From the Family Tree: My Grandmother

I have to look back sometimes, I think everyone should research their family tree, you never know what you will find.
One of my ancestors was the first surgeon  to operate with Ether. Crawford W. Long. A hospital is named after him in downtown Atlanta. Bragging? Maybe. But one of his ancestors also was my grandmother.
 Grandmother was never grandma. She hated that label, can't say I blame her. She preferred to be called Janie. And she's my father's mother.
  Janie had a glamourous life for a while. She was a buyer for Rich's, and a personal buyer to the rich and successful.  As hard to believe as it may be, she was Margaret Mitchell's personal buyer for a period of time, which is why my grandparents where able to attend the premiere of "Gone with the Wind" at the Loew's Grand downtown which is now defunct, it burned down.
 Somewhere along the way she must have met my grandfather. Maybe a client? I can't say because I don't know. Janie drank excessively, I know from talking to my mother. Janie opened up to her in later years. Grandaddy made plenty of money working for Gulf oil, but he was a miser and didn't live an extravagant lifestyle. Not for the most part. Janie had mood swings and she drank excessively, landing  in the sanitarium a couple of times. They hired sitters to care for my father and my uncle when they were children when they went out drinking. One thing I remember is her saying repeatedly "Shut up Claude". I'm sure he probably drove her batshit crazy sometimes.
When I was little I recall snippets of my childhood " Suzanne you should be ashamed of yourself putting all this gum in the ashtray",and " You wet the bed again?? Laundry wash, wash, wash!" . But I don't hate my grandmother, I actually understand her.  Her nails were always perfectly manicured. Her eyes would light up when she spoke of her youth. She missed her glamour days. Having an adulturous husband was not easy I'm sure. The family men were adulterers, the women? There is mystery I may never uncover. Every family has their skeletons. Many far more interesting I'm sure. My genepool has been very enlightening. I don't blame my problems on them, but I have developed an understanding due to some research.
 I miss Janie. She died when I was 15 of lung cancer.  Most every time I light up a cigarette, I think of her smoking up to the moment she passed away, when hospitals in certain areas still alowed smoking. And I'm wracked with guilt for taking her beloved novels that she gave me to the used bookstore for credit when I was 20. So I raise my glass of sparkling non alcoholic apple cider to her. "I miss you Janie, wish I'd known you better."
Till next time...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Ex "Daddy's Little Girl"

Another post about my father. I could never have foreseen then as a little girl what I know now.
 I was crazy about my dad when I was little, so much that I wanted my mom to stay away from him, lol. While my mom was taking care of my infant brother, dad used to show me off to his co-workers at the weather service which was then located at the top of the Knoxville Tennessee airport. He would take me to the roof to watch the planes take off. I fell in love with what  thought was a glamourous profession, being a flight attendant. I was not even 5 years old mind you. I used to to say the word "suspicious" because I thought it was a glamourous word. My parents had no idea.*laughs*.
  Dad also used to sit me on his knee when I was a child in front of the mirror. Something I find rather weird now. He would say "You and I look alike Suzanne, look at our faces in the mirror" I didn't see it, but I was a five year old child. Dad was the oldest child with a little brother like myself. His brother worked for Gulf oil like my grandaddy.
  Mom told me how when I was grown that Dad used to burn with anger and resentment towards my uncle. She said "I told your father he was gonna do the same thing his father did if he didn't forgive him." She was right. She had become a "Born again fundamentalist Christian" but she was right. And she said these things because of the resentment and anger that I keep taking back. I believe even the most picture perfect of families have some dysfunction, but after my parents divorced it got even crazier. Dad had been drinking during the separation, sending mom to the art room to sleep in while she let dad keep the master bedroom. Mom was a passive woman with a manic Jesus addiction. She had seen demons around my father when he was cheating on her. And she was the oldest daughter of her Lebanese muslim father, subserviant to men. How she lived showed me how not to live, but that's another story.*laughs* The scary thing is that I'm NOT making this up. Till next time folks...

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Time for changes

  I feel like I'm at life's turnstyle right now. I'm on my 5th day sober. It's life or death now. If I drink anymore there is one thing I can be certain of: Jails, institutions and death. The twelve step program I belong to doesn't sugarcoat addiction.
  I have been here in Winder for almost three years now.  I suffer from a painful condition called Fibromyalgia. I began to self medicate for the pain somewhere along the line with alcohol. I discovered parts of myself I couldn't face sober. Somewhere along the line I realized what I really didn't want as well as what I did.
  It's not all terrible though. I made some very good friends, friends who became afraid I was gonna die or lose my marbles. I don't want to be one of those statistics. For once I now have hope in my life.
  I saw something that caught my eye yesterday, a woman, older than me, a bitter looking older woman with a huge bottle of "Night Train" wine and a 12-pack of beer in line behind me at the corner store. Alcohol, bitterness, and a slovenly appearance. That could be me were I to survive the next year still in embibment.
  It's time for personal growth. That higher power the program tells about I believe the whole time was saying "put the alcohol down" or you will go no further. It took almost dying from alcohol poisoning to teach me the difficult way.
  One other things certain : If I can't take care of myself how can I take care of others? I turned to alcohol from March of 2009 to now. On and off, not every single day. But it ended up that way. I am fearing organ damage and rapid aging. Healthy fears. Time for growth, time to stand up straight and heal my broken wing.
  Till the next time.....