The proverbial you-know-what

The proverbial you-know-what

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Soul Searching and stepwork

   It's a fact without all the alcohol and pill popping one does in active alcoholism and addiction that one uncovers their true self. One thing I discovered is that I am not what I thought I was.
  My sexual lines blurred and I would seek validation in many dark places....and I found out I'm straighter than I thought.  I love myself more as a human being. Working the 12 steps has shifted my perceptions in a better direction and I am grateful for getting my life back. My sense of humor, my soul, my love for mankind and my concern and love for family in recovery is strong. And I have a job I have held for 10 1/2 months. Bought a car as well. As long as I remember I'm powerless over my addiction and keep my recovery active, all will be well.
   I think I'm getting my groove back too! With the help of my sponsor and close friends, I hope to finally get back to work on my novel.
   Till next time....

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Recovery

Out of the wreckage
My soul's in flight
I'm breaking free
Of this devestating plight

My past is a prison
I can't seem to break
Of the 100 proof
That eased the ache

Much work to endeavor
And of this I'm afraid
But I might have perished
If it had stayed

Each day is  link
In a lifelong chain
I will enjoy the sun
And endure through the rain

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The journey isn't over yet

More blog posts coming......, And I'm finding myself lonely and wanting a boyfriend.

But...recovery comes first. Thankfulness for family and friends means a lot. Being here has taught me much.

Till next time.....

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Recovery from the dark side

My life is changing... Hoping it continues to improve. I have worried friends. Family won't admit it, but I care about myself...If I don't who will? I'm getting to be a happy woman again. My life has been turned upside down since I found out I was gonna move in with my brother and my sister-n-law, plus 6+1 kid from his affair with mistress. Plus my mom. Trust's NOT easy! Now I have had to face the fact that I'm bipolar, well that I have bipolar2 disorder. Im on a miracle medication that corrects the chemical imbalance. I lost my bff, and luckily she knows how important it is to take my meds. So not lost. But concerned. Can't blame her. Life is changing because my outlook is better. So this is where I'm at at the moment.
Till next time....

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


The clouds I can see they clear
 The Sun it magicly reappears
My serenity it ever returns
But my closest friend is gone
And it burns

I can see that life has something to offer
Sometimes I wonder..Should I bother?
But love surrounds me it's always around
However by best friend I am forever bound

And now I'm back and I see the wound
It's healing and hopefully away from this
self imposed tomb

I'm ready to face whatever comes
And  I hope this void is gone and done

Monday, May 2, 2011

Acceptance ...My diagnosis

A bomb was dropped on me last week.  found out that I have Bipolar 2 disorder, the lesser form of the disease, Instead of freaking out a strange peace crept over me. Everything made sense. The extreme moods, the "dark side" that would come over me....since late childhood, thru my teens, and into adulthood.
  And a painful reality of the me that grew to self hate, not understanding..why I self medicated to control these moods.....
  And how my friendship w/one of my besties was narly totally destroyed by my dark moods.
 As I write this, I'm in tears. Someone who was there for me through every twist and every turn in just about  the past few months up to about a week now afraid of me. Or my moods. One or the other. Or maybe both.
I grew progressively worse after I knew where I was moving. I know I am responsible for my actions. I thank God the shrink doc knew what was wrong. I not only needed a light mood stabilizer that also controls my fibro pain, but a medication for the Bipolar depression. And they gave it to me. I felt a small wave of relief. I'm grateful I'm not a Scientologist.
  So now I have been on the new medication for 5 days and I'm already feeling different. It takes a week or so to really begin to sink in. But there's a sadness. I miss my bestie. I can't blame her for feeling the way she does. I began to totally turn into a different person than the Suze I am usually. Thank God celebs like Catherine Zeta-Jones have put a face on the disease and are attempting to play a part in educating the masses about this "more common thhn you would think" disorder. After Catherine's husband Michael Douglas was diagnosed with cancer, the stress from the ordeal escalated her condition. The shame needs to be wiped away. Below is a link from the Wikipedia on the condition. I'm also going to therapy and continue to go to my 12 step group. I hope I have been able in a small way to help someone or more than one by disclosing this. I'm no celebrity, but as one person I count.